in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
