i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
