I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Randomize
