oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
