Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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