and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
