I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
