we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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