i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
