don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
