I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you inspire me to be a worse person
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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