And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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