I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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