the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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