Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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