sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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