I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
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