I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
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