Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
