guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Randomize
