i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
