I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My life is pants optional.
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