tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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