Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
