I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
