so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
