glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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