i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
