I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I have fence marks all over my body
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
