i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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