Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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