Pants 0. Shit 1.
Letd wlk him
Lrtd walek hime
Lets wlk home,,,ther we go
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
