I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize