M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
she is graduated, working for the school, and puking in the bathroom of a frat house. she wants brush her hair so she doesnt "look trashy". im in love.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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