I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize