First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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