You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
