I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Randomize
