my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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