This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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