I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I'm jealous of your bromance
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
