is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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