do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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