woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
