I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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