I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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