my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
stalking is really helping my grade.. I followed him to a review session tonight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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