theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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