Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
