my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
