My liver just broke up with me...
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
