there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize