If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
