i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
