my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
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